Couples Work
We are very lucky to have a man nearby in Seattle, who is probably the primary researcher in the world on issues
of both couples’ health and dysfunction. Dr. John Gottman and his students at the University of Washington have spent
nearly the last 30 years collecting rigorous data on particular couples, then following what happens to them 2, 5, 10,
15, 20 and 25 years later – whether they are still together, happily or unhappily, or whether they have gone their
separate ways, and what behavior patterns seem to correlate with these different relationship directions. As he
approaches the later years of his career, Dr. Gottman has pulled together a variety of tools and approaches which
have been empirically demonstrated to aid couples in repairing their relationships. Although over the years I have
spent time learning the couples therapy approaches of Harville Hendrix, Neil Jacobson, Bill O’Hanlon, Les Greenberg
and Susan Johnson among others, the primary approaches I take in treating couples derive from the work of Dr. Gottman.
In couples work some major issues addressed include:
Better conflict resolution
Healthier communication
Reconciling values differences
Adjusting to new stages of life
Resolution of child rearing differences
Settling differences over money
Dealing with addictions
Dealing with each others families
Sexual difficulties
Recovering from an affair
Going in different life directions
Deepening intimacy
Gottman’s approach to better solving these issues includes promoting a relationship context in which couples orient more towards each other, and develop a better understanding of why each person sees issues the way they do. They are encouraged to revitalize sources of admiration and affection and maintain a positive balance of emotional expression toward each other; to start discussion of difficult problems with care and tact, and to effectively engage in repair efforts when communication appears to overwhelm or flood the partner. He differentiates character criticism and effective complaints, and clearly helps couples label behaviour patterns which will almost inevitably lead to a breakup.
Often couples differences reflect difficulties that individuals have within themselves. So an experienced therapeutic eye is helpful in teasing out the problems and strengths within as well as between people.
I am an active therapist who will engage with you at a practical level and will work towards measurably achieving your healthy goals. I give practical suggestions and also act as a sounding board. I also trust that you have deep wisdom into which you can tap, with a little encouragement and guidance.